I recently read Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman, who I consider to be a brilliant man, and not just because he writes the way I want to write and often about things I want to write about. I could write an essay explaining Klosterman's brilliance, but I'll spare you. (Actually, this article does an admirable job.) I only mention my recent read because it is where I got the unusually long URL for this godforsaken blog. In KYTL, good ol' Chuck writes, "Art and love are the same thing: It's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you. It's understanding the unreasonable." I just like that a lot.
But ANYWAY, reading Chuck K's thoughtful ponderings (redundant? I don't care) re-awakened my desire to write about pop culture shit that seems almost meaningless but is for some reason important to me and possibly relevant to the masses. Not that the masses will be reading this. This brings me back to my prior reference of my failed attempts at blogosphere dabbling.
Because I like making lists, here are some reasons I find it difficult to maintain a blog:
1) I have yet to reconcile the artsy and logical parts of my brain. The creative side of me is overflowing with thoughts to share until my logical side shoots it down into submission. It goes a little something like this...
Creative side: Hm, that was an interesting thought. I should write that down.
Logical side: Sure, go ahead, write it down in your journal so you can remember how profound you once thought you were.
CS: No, not in my journal. I mean, like, maybe in a --
LS: Don't you dare say blog.
CS: -- Blog?
LS: No.
CS: Why not? I'm kinda smart and interesting. Maybe someone will read it and see how smart and interesting I am. Maybe someone will agree with me. Or even better, maybe someone won't agree with me! We can get into an interesting debate about the subject and meet somewhere in the middle, and the world will be beautiful and harmonious as it should be.
LS: No. They won't and it won't. Don't do it.
CS: Are you sure? I think I should.
LS: Listen to me. Don't do it.
CS: Ugh, you're so annoying. I need to express myself somehow!
LS: You're annoying.
CS: I am?
LS: Yes, now go away while I look for a job.
CS: You go away. I want to write.
LS: Oh really, floja? You keep saying you want to write, but you're not writing. So while you sit stagnant and wax philosophical, I'm gonna actually be productive and try to put some money in your pocket so you can stop mooching off the parentals.
CS: You're right. What was I thinking? I'll go.
Creative side huddles in the corner for weeks at time only to sporadically peek its head out in fleeting spurts.
Side note: My logical side's a bit of a bully, though not in actuality any less lazy than my creative side. Which brings me to my second point.
2) I'm lazy. I really am. When it comes to my writing, I tend to be very, very, very particular. Proofreading and editing are time-consuming, man. My writing style may sound candid, but I assure you it takes shitload of effort to make writing seem effortless. My laziness wins 99% of the time. When I was in school, it helped having an authority figure to give me deadlines, which I met (almost always) on time. Now that I'm out of school, professorless and editorless, I'm supposed to be all self-disciplined about my writing, give myself my own projects and deadlines. I know some people are great being their own boss, but acting as my own authority figure has proven an exercise in futility. It flat out does not work. I think I was born for school. Give me structure. Give me guidelines. Guide me. I excel. It's not so much that I can't do it myself. I simply don't. I tend to respect my authority figures. But evidently I don't respect myself as an authority figure (something tells me I shouldn't share this thought with my future children). So, like I said, lazy.
3) The few times I'm motivated enough to complete an entry, I never post it. I read it, proofread, edit it, read it, re-read it, edit it again, give it a final read-through or five, and finally call it finished. Then I select all and delete. Because I know the minute I post it, there's the slim chance that someone will read it. But isn't the whole point of having a blog so other people can read it? Trust me, I'm all too aware of how asinine I sound right now. I'm just trying to explain how I think, no matter senseless it is. I'm passionate about writing and I'm self-conscious to a fault. In essence, I am a writer with a fear of letting others read my writing. This is the equivalent of a professional swimmer with a fear of water. It doesn't work. So I'm working on it... I swear, sometimes I consider going to a therapist just so I could get a professional opinion on my psyche and see if it mirrors my own amateur self-diagnosis.
4) Who cares? Yes, I have a lot to say but why should people have to listen to it? I realize this reasoning has not stopped millions of other people from starting their own blogs and it obviously hasn't stopped me from starting one, even several. It has, however, stopped me from continuing any.
4a) Often I feel like I have no authority to write anything. I'm a 21-year-old college grad whose musings about the world around her bear little importance to the grand scheme of life. Truly. Chances are I'm not educated enough on any of the things I'll write about to come up with anything remotely enlightening. I'm not trying to be down on myself or anything; that's a simple fact. These are my opinions and they matter no more than yours. So sometimes I just don't even bother commenting. Until now.
4b) People with blogs can sound like tools. I'm not saying these people are tools (even though in the world of blogging I'm absolutely allowed to say that). There's just something about having a blog that inherently implies ego. Being the possessor of a healthy ego is a good thing, yet it is not always interpreted this way. Having a blog = I believe I'm important enough to have an opinion you should care about. I like reading people's blogs but it gives me license to judge them, nicely or not. Hence, having one of my own gives others license to judge me. They have license to judge me whether or not I have a blog, but the blog becomes something substantial they can use in their judgments. And for some reason, that scares me.
Now that I've gone through all the reasons I suck at having a blog, I hope I can overcome them.
Enjoy. Or don't. I'll keep writing either way. Or will I?
*****
Currently re-reading:
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman (yeah, I'm going through a phase - SUCK IT)
Currently listening to:
Acid Tongue by Jenny Lewis
The Bake Sale by The Cool Kids
"Decode" by Paramore
"Bruises" by Chairlift
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